My life is comfortably simple right now - and I am hesitant to let anything disrupt it! My life before "now" was chaotic to say the least, wildly disorderly to say less. I have never before had the space that I do now (I own a 3-room flat, 68m² with my older brother and sister, both of which have since moved out resulting in my lone hibernation.) Not only physical space but also mental and emotional space. Why have I waited so long with settling into habits of maintaining the order of my surroundings thereby giving myself space to think and rest?
The simplicity is not only in space but also in elements. My life consists of few elements. Before I had school, the teen-group at church, the kid's group at church, music ("worship") at church, occasionally jobs, friends and family = 7 elements!
Now I have nothing to do with church, no friends, no school but I have gained myself and a job. Myself, job and family - oh, and this leaves place for creating music! [smile]
This sounds harsh, yes, I know. But nice. Simple. On top of this, I have pro-actively chosen (or approved) all the elements! Never before have I experienced this and its a wonderful feeling of being in control and actually choosing what I'm spending my time doing.
Can't wait to see what kind of chaos a re-entrance of God could possibly create! sheesh!
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4 comments:
God! He doesn't have to re-enter - isn't He already there?
Geez, my teaching tells me that he is. And my intermittent hope. I don't act like it, so I'm divided in the question. I want to believe it, and isn't that the first step?
It sorta is, Anne. -and then again. I must admit that its sorta.. sorta.. hmm.. dull? This self-realisation thing isn't really doing the trick like it said on the package they gave me back in high-school. I do miss.. [sigh] what is it that I miss?! Love? [read: "I'm desperate" *smile* but then again, still: love]
Ach, this is too much. I do want there to be a God. I do! I do want it all to make sense and have eternal consequence. I feel it, this drive for the eternal. This nobility. I'm not just another guy walking down the street, I'm eternal! And I dangin want something eternal! But I don't want it to abuse my resources, me.
And I want to be satisfied too. Not just gratified, but serenely, calmly satisfied! I want Ps. 1! I really do want the fairy tale (thereby meaning no discredit!) to be true.I want the friggin horse, the armor and shield, two swords (one on the side and one on my back) and a noble, refined demeanor.
No, this isn't purely about me, as all the abovementioned 'wants' tie into a desire to do 'that courageous duty.'
The difference with this and the fairy tales is that this all right here is far to complex. The enemies don't have deformed faces or a theme color. The enemies are so many and so subtle that the feats of valour are reduced to small daily battles seemingly without noticeable consequence.
Hey Ivan!
Its Jen from Sydney...Long time no speak huh?! Its heaps interesting reading your past blogs & seeing your struggles with God & faith. I just want to encourage you to hang in there & not let go. I know how hard it can be with the whole church conflict. I recently changed churches because some problems that happened... I went through 2mths of trying to find a new one & went through the whole doubting God & being ready to give it all up & just walk away.
Then I remembered the time I went through in Yrs 7 - 9 at high school when I went through depression & suicide attempts. I remember how I cried out to God & asked him how I really knew if he exists if I can never see him, if I couldn't feel him. Everyone was telling me he loved me, but if he really did love me how come he was letting me go through all the hurt & pain I was in. The next night we had a guest speaker at church. For the first time in ages I sat there & listened. I cant tell you what the sermon was on but I can tell you exactly what he said at the end.
He said "Last night, while my wife & I were praying for tonight God gave me a vision of a girl (me) sitting on her bed crying out to God. Telling him that she didn't know if he really existed or loved her at all. God wants me to tell that girl, who I believe is here tonight that he is real, he does exist, he loves her & he wants her back. He knows that things aren't easy at school or at home, but he wants her to come to him so that he can help her through!"
Now there is no way that that guy could've know all of that if it wasn't God.
Being a christian isnt easy. Being a member of a church isn't easy. Unfortunately there are so much politics in religion & there will always be people in the congregation who gossip. What's important is YOU & YOUR relationship with God. YOU making that decision to meet with him daily, reading his word & communicating with him, talking with him. What everyone else thinks doesn't matter what does is what happens between you & God. So many people place importance of "feeling" God & if they can't "feel" him then they think somethings wrong. Faith in Christ isn't about feeling its about believing & acting as Christ calls us to do.
I remember in 2000 when we were on YWAM together during the Sydney Olympics. I remember your faith & your love for Christ & the way you encouraged me & many on our team. So what if people at church think you are "flirty"? You know what you are doing, who you are. You shouldn't have to change. I'm a happy bubbly person & have lots of guy friends. People often tell me that I'm being flirty & I just let them know that I'm just a generally happy person & that if it comes across as flirty, I'm sorry but that's not my intentions. You shouldn't have to change who you are because of a couple of peoples opinions.
Take a step back. Go back to the beginning & look around you. God is there in everything you see. You yourself were made in his image, perfect in his eyes. Read the gospels. Read of God's love & how he gave his only son to die for us. Its not because we did anything to deserve it, he did it because he loved us & its his gift to us - the gift of grace.
So many people - maybe some others other than you(Ivan) reading this (and including my self)- at one time feel an emptiness inside their lives that they need to fill. They try everything from drugs, sex, booze, suicide etc. to fill that gap. But trying to fill the gap with these things is like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. It won't go in. When I was struggling with this recently, I wrote a song that really opened my eyes to see answer that fills that gap:
"What am I to you?
Just a story in a book of a man who gave his life
Who am I to you?
Another who doesn't care
But if you search within your heart you'll find me there
Because
You are my child
My creation
I planned & formed you in your mothers womb
You are my precious loved unconditionally
Thats why I wish you'd
Open your eyes & see
Where am I to you?
Far off in the distance never comnig near?
How am I to you?
Impersonal unfair
But if you search within your heart you'll find me there
Because
You are my child
My creation
I planned & formed you in your mothers womb
You are my precious loved unconditionally
Thats why I wish you'd
Open your eyes & see
If all these things you think are true
Then why'd I send my Son to die for you?
I sent him as a sacrifice
to take your sins & pay the price
For you
Because I love you & I care for you
& I want you to have the chance to
Be born again!
You are my child
My creation
I planned & formed you in your mothers womb
You are my precious loved unconditionally
Thats why I wish you'd
Open your eyes & see
I don't know if any of what I've said will help or anything, but I care for you Ivan & you know if you want to talk you can message me anytime
God Bless
Your Sister In Christ
Jennifer
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